Dorothy Parker once said that Katharine Hepburn's emotional range ran the gamut from "A" to "B".
The average man's midlife crisis doesn't get that far.
There is the Automotive (sports cars), the Athletic (marathons) and the Amorous (making passes at lasses).
To this triple-A club, allow me to add a "B" - Bigfoot, the apelike creature who walks upright like a man.
Since grainy footage of Bigfoot became available in the '60s, I have dreamed of owning a Bigfoot costume. As I reflect on what I want to accomplish before I die, I realize it is time to put on the Sasquatch suit and go into the woods deliberately, like Thoreau.
In the '70s, Bigfoot was linked with Farrah Fawcett and spotted in an Arkansas 7-Eleven with Elvis. He has since avoided the spotlight, resurfacing only for serious scientific study. As with J.D. Salinger, Bigfoot's mystique has been enhanced by his private nature, and his reclusive attitude has opened the field to imitators.
Those who longed to dress as Bigfoot in the past but were deterred, like transvestites, from shopping publicly can find numerous high-quality Bigfoot costumes online.
If you're the handyman type, try the do-it-yourself models, which can be fashioned from a few items you probably already own - camouflage, foam padding and Shoe Goo.
Be sure to work in a well-ventilated area as prolonged exposure to glue fumes can cause behavior that would be considered erratic even for a creature that eats housecats.
Like the Evangelist you may ask, "What doth it profit a man to gain a Bigfoot costume, and lose his wife's faith in his sanity?"
Roger Patterson, the man who faked home movies of Bigfoot, made a bundle selling prints to supermarket checkout-line tabloids. Our property borders Wayland conservation land, a perfect setting for the sort of Blair Witch Project cinema verite style that is de rigeur for any Bigfoot flick.
Spend an hour staggering around your backyard in a Sasquatch costume in front of a video camera, and you'll have college tuition for the kids covered. Then the little woman will think it's a good idea.
Your Bigfoot costume will pay off in other ways.
If coyotes are a threat to your pets, there is nothing like the sight of a yeti to send them packing. No cruel leg traps for your neighbors with the PETA membership to complain about.
Everyone wants that wake-up cup of coffee first thing in the morning, causing caffeine gridlock across the region.
If you want to clear out a Dunkin' Donuts quickly, try showing up dressed as an 8-foot tall mammal. You'll find plenty of empty seats, and maybe a newspaper someone in a hurry left behind. Probably needed to feed his meter.
Fashion tip: Remove costume before meeting wife at Talbots.
Psychologists describe midlife as "middlescence" - the second coming of adolescence, without the complexion problems.
What could be more adolescent than staggering out of the house at night, hair down to your shoulders, dressed to scare people, smelling of Shoe Goo?
- CON CHAPMAN
The humor of Con Chapman, a Wayland resident, is available on Amazon Shorts.
